BEFORE THE DOWN LOW: SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON

LIFE BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

PENSACOLA HELENE JEFFERSON

and

QUIANA B

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Cover Design: Pensacola Helene Jefferson

Unless otherwise indicated, scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible and: KJV (King James Version); ASV (American Standard Version); The NIV, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved; The RSV Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Worldwide; The NASB The NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®, Copyright © 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission; The MSG The Message Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group The NLT New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved; The NRSV New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

All emphasis in Scripture have been added by the author.

Printed in the United States of America

First printing in 2021

Acknowledgements

I wanted to write another fictional truth, but I didn’t know when I’d ever get around to it, but my niece and I had talked about a collaboration for a while and decided to DO ITl.

I am always grateful for each and every one of my family/friends, ALWAYS. Thanks my niece, Quian B for the plot of this book and our many discussions about doing this project. Covid-19, now the Delta variant, is still raging, but God is in control and is in the process of RIGHTING the many WRONGS. I choose to “BE STILL” as my mother suggested and let God be the awesome God he is.

LIFE BEFORE THE DOWN LOW is a book about two woman who met at a woman’s conference about The DOWN LOW: OVER THE YEARS. One woman, Silvia (Silvie) Mathiva-Anderson married in the late 70s, was sheltered most of her life, and knew very little about the varieties of sexual preferences that life was offering, the other woman, had a little more knowledge, but was somewhat in the dark too. Both women share their stories and discover they were caught in the same web of deceive by the same family and one of them knows who “almost” murdered Samuel Wade Anderson.

I thank the Almighty God DAILY. God has so much to tell his people through his Word.

Table of Content

BEFORE the down low: silvia livingston #1...................................................3

BEFORE the down low: silvia livingston #2.................................................16

BEFORE the down low: silvia livingston#3..................................................38

BEFORE the down low: silvia livingston#4..................................................61

BEFORE the down low: silvia livingston#5..................................................84

BEFORE the down low: silvia livingston#6................................................105

BEFORE the down low.......................................................16

BEFORE the down low..................................................................30

BEFORE the down low...........................................................................52

BEFORE the down low........................................................................71

BEFORE the down low................................................................87

BEFORE the down low........................................................................104

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BEFORE the down low..............................................................150

BEFORE the down low............................................................................177

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the down low.................................................................227

BEFORE the down low..............................246

CHAPTER 1

THE DOWN LOW

SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON, part 1

“…The truth shall MAKE YOU FREE…” (JOHN 8:32 KJV).

August 2016

Silvia Anderson, affectionately called Silvie, waved at her Mother as she drove off. She still missed her father even though he’s been gone to glory for a while. The church was getting ready for the fall festival. Silvie had come back to let her mother know she was leaving, and she had come outside to see her off.

The church was beautifully lit up with its gothic style architect similar to the Abyssinian church in Harlem, only much, much larger since it was now one of the mega-churches that had spread throughout the country years before.

Her father had originally named his church the Sena Baptist Church, which became Sena Ministries in the last few years. Silvia grew up in the church like most of the people she knew. She was a dedicated Christian with sincere intentions to live out the values of her faith by the grace of God.

She was authentic, warm, and sincere about what she believed. She was also transparent about her vices as well as her virtues. She participated in all the classical spiritual disciplines in order to gain practical faith experience in her daily life.

For a long time she had blindly followed her parents footsteps into Christianity and had been socialized into her faith, but eventually she came to test certain biblical truths for herself. Silvie was practical and realistic about her walk of faith.

She couldn’t just read a scripture, learn about it, and that was it. She had to experience it and allow God to reveal his word in ways that made it become alive in her daily life.

Discovering God was a secret passion of hers now and she could study about topics of interest for hours if she wasn’t disturbed. Her father used to tell her all the time, “…you become like the company you keep.”

Her father, Bishop Simeon Mathiva, was a student of the bible as well, and often her youthfulness and his wisdom locked horns about the current movement of God or the direction of the church.

Her father argued for tradition, and she thought ‘some” traditions were limiting. She’d said to him many times, “..if you don’t change, Daddy, you won’t have many youth in your church and if I didn’t love you I’d be one of them...”

Her father’s family had built a legacy in Sena Baptist church or SBC as members called it. SBC had played an important role for freed blacks in the 1800s and then during the civil rights movement, political battles, economic autonomy, and a variety of social concerns particular to the African American community over the years.

Sena Baptist church was once a powerful institution in black history and played a pivotal role in enhancing the lives of minority groups. But times had changed and so had the needs of the congregants.

In earlier years, her father was a key figure and leader on the religious and political landscape for African Americans and he knew many popular black leaders, current and past, and together they had made changes with the help of other black churches. But now there came a time her father needed to adjust his wisdom for the postmodern generation.

Silvie believed African American life had changed and the biblical message, though still relevant, must be redirected to speak to the hearts of the emerging twenty-first century congregants.

She and her father had many disagreements about adding something new to the ministry. In the end, she always respected her father’s leadership. The younger generation often put down “old school,” but old-schoolers were the ones who broke down doors for the current generation.

Silvie never lost sight of how God used the older generation - during the civil rights movement and other events – to impact change. Their wisdom was priceless and she refused to assume just because she had new ideas, her elders’ wisdom was no longer valid.

Like a good software program, her father just needed a little updating and she believed he’d get there. Her father, however, proved to be a hard nut to crack anyway.

It wasn’t until she spoke in tongues right in front her father’s face - at a youth retreat - he began to change his view point. When other youth begin to follow; her father witnessed a new spiritual awakening in his congregants and he slowly altered the old Baptist traditions.

After a while, their congregation went from a traditional Baptist identity to non-denominational one; even though her father went, kicking and screaming, all the way, he finally came around.

Eventually, her father praised her for her tenacious and diplomatic spirit; much like his own, but those same traits drove her mother crazy. Her mother, Miriam Mathiva was a little more spicy and outspoken than the rest of the family.

How many times had she said, “…I can’t believe you’re my daughter.” Silvie always replied, with a giggle or smile, “…but I am.” Her mother was brilliant, loving, a sharp dresser, strict, and very family oriented, but she didn’t take any nonsense from anybody.

The First Lady, had no problem, saying “…sit your ass down,” or “…what the hell!?,” or “…I’ll be damn.” She also had no problem telling women to back off her husband or congregants to stay out of her family business. Keeping people in their place was a dirty job, but her mother insisted somebody had to do it, and she gladly took on the role.

Her mother was immediate in how she handled church conflict, but Silvie was a little more gradual in handling things. She wanted people to leave with some kind of dignity, but her mother had less patience with “messy” people. Underneath all that spice and bluntness, her mother was generous, kindhearted, and vulnerable to those she cared deeply about. Even when she’d been utterly or painfully truthful to someone, she topped it off with a loving hug or a kiss on the cheek.

If someone in the family didn’t want an opinion that was “up front” or “in your face” they would come to her or her father. Though her mother’s nature was bold and assertive, she, on the other hand, had a meek nature. Silvie would get the same results as her mother, but her process was different and sometimes it took longer.

From a child she was easy going, diplomatic, and generous. Miriam looked at her meekness as some kind of character flaw and thought she needed to fight her daughter’s battles. Miriam could be bossy at times and was used to running the show, but Silvie was unaffected by her mother’s ways.

Miriam was an older sister, who had to be in charge when her mother was away and she was used to getting her way by her loving threats or intimidation. Silvie was obedient to her mother and always respectful, but they were opposites at times.

Miriam was never able to bully Silvie like she did the rest of their clan, but she could also never accuse her of being disrespectful or disobedient.

Silvie knew how to disagree with her mother and keep her love and honor for her intact. They’ve had a few battles over the years, but nothing serious. These days, she and her mother were closer than ever. Her mother came to realize that the daughter she thought was too meek was really a powerhouse that God used to mellow her over the years.

Her Father told her that Silvie’s meekness, though she herself didn’t realize it, made her stronger, in many ways, than them all.

Growing up, Silvie had two constants in her life, her love for words and her love of encouraging others. She had a God-given gift for helping people emotionally, giving them hope, and making them feel better about life. Silvie loved people, laughter, diversity, adventure, innovation, and was considered a social butterfly in her teens and twenties.

Things have changed since then, especially after she got married. She was still social, but it had toned down a lot. Life had caused her to grow wiser about people and she was a little more cautious about her interactions.

When she was younger, she was flamboyant and frisky, but now she was unassuming and a tad bit more serious. She was still humorous and loved a good hearty laugh, which was always a part of her charm. But Silvie was modest about herself, even though others told her she was a pretty woman, inside and out, it was no longer a big concern to her.

She was always appreciative of compliments, but she cared more about her internal life than anything else. Life had taught her that and she had learned her lesson well. Character didn’t just happen, it was hard earned and required Godly surrender, humility, and sacrifice.

Her personal transformation experiences are what made her a good counselor and now she was able to help people process through problems while they grew spiritually. She loved her gift and she loved helping people gain practical Christian experience through life issues or troubles.

Being a Christian did not spare you from encountering real life problems, but how you processed through them will reveal what you “really” believe as well as “who” you really are deep inside. Boy, had she found out about the real Silvie and what she’d discovered was not attractive.

Silvie finally arrived at the hotel in Scottsdale. She had booked a room for the weekend conference. The lights were picturesque and welcoming to her. The property was surrounded by trees. She could actually see the Arizona sky, which she loved, and its stars. While she was gazing up she heard her cell phone buzzing, and knew it was her mother checking to see if she’d made it safely.

Silvie checked in her room, called her mother, changed clothes, and wanted to go straight to bed. She was exhausted. She tossed and turned for about five minutes before she fell into a peaceful sleep.

Silvie yawned as she opened her eyes. It was early in the morning and the sun was just peeking through a slither in the hotel curtains. She was the consummate morning person. There was nothing like the beginning of a new day when the quietness and peace surrounded you like a warm embrace.

For a brief moment a frown was on her heart. Without looking she knew the other side of her bed was empty. It had been two years since the divorce. The empty side of the bed always reminded her of the many nights her husband had not come home again. Sighing softly she threw the covers aside and went into the bathroom.

In spite of it all, she looked refreshed and as if she had no troubles at all. Her calm had more to do with God’s relationship with her than anything else. She had grown strong spiritually in two significant ways: through the relationship with God and by responding to His love.

Silvie finished her morning hygiene rituals, put on her robe, got her laptop, and grabbed her bible. She went to sit at the hotel desk.

A memory gripped her heart.

CHAPTER 2

THE DOWN LOW

SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON, part 2

“…The truth shall MAKE YOU FREE…” (JOHN 8:32 KJV).

June 2010

A few years ago she sat at her home office and the phone had rang. A familiar voice blurted out, “Silvie, this is Sam, Sûg is in the hospital in critical condition! The next few hours will determine whether he’ll live or not. I hate to leave this kind of message on your phone, but it’s urgent! Where are you? Your cell phone must be dead it went straight to voice mail. I’m the second contact on Sûg’s emergency list. Give me a call when you get this message.” Click!

Silvie remembered immediately calling the hospital and getting the details. Next, she called her cousin, Samantha, back to let her know she’d gotten her message, answered her barrage of questions, and told her she’d be there soon.

She also called the other hosts of family members that had started blowing up her phone too. Reluctantly, Silvie showered and got dressed. She was not in a hurry to rush to Sûg’s side. Plus, the doctor told her it was a waiting game at this point anyway. She was not eager to face whatever “this” was.

They had a beautiful LOG home together. She sauntered into the quiet sanctuary of the great room and sighed as she looked out of the large windows that was a part of the expansive, 8,000 square foot home. Her tall frame and athletically built physique felt heavy with the news she’d just received about her husband.

What a fantastic view, she had thought. She never tired of it in all the years they’d lived there together. It reminded her of why they’d bought the property in the first place. What a great gift God had led them into. The Potomac River was peaceful that day and she remember letting it draw her into its embrace.

Sûg was in critical condition at a DC hospital and may not live through the night. Someone had tried or may have succeeded in killing him, but that verdict was still out. If he died, the police would come looking for her.

As was her custom she prayed and asked for God’s guidance. After all the years of praying and asking God to change some things in her life; she couldn’t believe it would include a possible homicide involving her husband. Hard as she had tried, she couldn’t deny that she had wished for Sûg’s death a number of times, but only as it related to certain behaviors.

Death was a part of his lifestyle without her wishing for it anyway. His present condition was not a surprise. It was amazing that it hadn’t happened sooner. As many times as she’d come close to ringing his neck; his physical death is not what she wanted.

It was true he’d upset her on several occasions, for a multitude of reasons. She’d had some horrible thoughts about him over the years. Sometimes her interactions with him were just too much and emotionally she had often been exhausted to the point where a pot of grits might have helped too.

Those were the times she thought about what it would be like if he, the love of her life, was not in it. Certain personal difficulties could make a person do and think things they would have never imagined. She was no different. Being a Christian did not stop her from experiencing real human emotions about the circumstances of her life. That’s why knowing God gave her something greater than herself to get through unbelievable trials and tribulations.

Silvie knew if Sûg died they would come looking for her first. After all she was his spouse and her fingerprints were over everything in the DC apartment.

The day before the incident, she and an old boyfriend, Seth, had had another one of their many fights over his friendship with Sûg. He stormed out of the house, that day, mad to the gills. The two of them had been fighting for years, not necessary over whatever the current topic was, but about what happened, between them, years before.

The two of them grew up together and had been best friends since they were in kindergarten. Life was idyllic and uncomplicated in their little corner of the world for a long time. It was just the two of them and their circle of friends until Sûg or Samuel Wade Anderson moved to their neighborhood at the end of their freshman year in high school. People considered her and Seth the trophy couple, back then, who was most likely to succeed and eventually get married. They were homecoming king and queen in middle school, very active in their church community, and chairpersons of many school activities.

They were decent, popular teens, and most of their school mates liked them. The ones that didn’t were usually troublemakers or outsiders, but Samuel was of a different sort. He did not hide it from anyone that he liked Silvie from the moment he saw her.

His whole goal was to take her out on a date and become Silvie’s next boyfriend. He told her on a number of occasions that God had moved him to her neighborhood to meet his soul-mate, which he believed was Silvie. She, however, let him know that Seth was the only boy for her.

Seth befriended Samuel to protect his relationship with Silvie, but it didn’t deter Samuel one bit. He let Seth know he was interested in Silvie from the first day of school and before they ever became friends. He told Seth if he ever broke up with Silvie he was going to ask her out.

Seth felt threatened and thought his becoming friends with Samuel would make him stop his pursuit of Silvie. Seth wrangled his way into Samuel’s life by pretending he wanted to invite him to SBC’s youth activities.

Seth’s whole family became a part of the process of helping Samuel become a new member of their church. And in the end he did get involved with some of the youth events. Seth’s plan, on the other hand, turned against him. He started hanging out with Samuel’s older and wilder brothers and went in the opposite direction.

In the meantime, Samuel was showing up at Silvie’s house or church events or at one of her many school activities with his handsome smile and charming ways. He insisted, from the start, that he was her soulmate and not Seth.

Years have passed since their initial encounter. Samuel was right because she somehow ended up becoming his wife and not Seth’s.

After calling her assistant and telling her to cancel her appointments for the day; she thought about what else she needed to do before going to the hospital that day.

Silvie was a professional therapist with her own practice, and she also taught spiritual formation courses at the Church’s private school. She was good with people and was gifted at discerning the hearts of those who were entrusted to her care.

Getting to the core of the problem and helping her client’s process spiritually through their issues was something she loved doing. Silvie was an authentic person who expressed warmth, kindness, and understanding. Counseling others was her gift, and it was obviously to all that her abilities flowed from God.

It was the same when she taught bible study. She loved to challenge people to have a relationship with God. And thought it was important to apply scripture in ways that the Word became real-life and practical Christian experience. The education department at their church, which included elementary, middle, and high school now, was one of the largest in the city.

They accepted non-Christian students too, who were willing to comply with their values and principles. The education ministry was the catalyst to their church growth.

August 2016

She’d grown a lot in her walk with God, especially during her marriage to Samuel, but it had cost her something. Something she hadn’t expected to pay when she first started her journey with him.

Becoming the current Silvie Mathiva-Anderson, she kept her married name, had not been easy and she had suffered a lot to get here.

Trials and tribulations were not unfamiliar to her, but she went through them differently now. She was older and wiser and had learned to trust God no matter what the situation looked like.

God had taken her places spiritually that she wouldn’t have gone had he told her ahead of time. Most people feel safe about what they know or what is familiar, but God consistently guides you into unfamiliar places that you know absolutely nothing about.

When you truly start following God’s ways you can’t help but initially feel like an oddball both to yourself and others. God wanted a relationship with her, to set her apart, and bring her out of the dark into his light.

Every thing that ever happened to her was a part of her journey out of the dark and into the marvelous light of truth. And she’d had to walk out of some dark, dark places.

June 2010

On the way to the hospital that day she thought to herself “…What was she was getting ready to walk through now? What did Sûg being in the hospital fighting for his life mean? Silvie was surprised at how calm she was about the whole thing. There was no need to panic right now; she was sure it would come sooner or later.

Her mind was on her husband, and she heard a whisper in her heart say; What if Sûg died? It was then she started feeling the panic creep into her heart.

Silvie didn’t know what she’d find when she got to the hospital. She was always concerned about her most private life becoming public and she had been blessed so far. It was one thing to face and process through personal issues with a few people watching, but she was not anxious to do it with a broader audience.

On frequent occasions close family or acquaintances, she shared her journey with wanted to ask some hard questions about her marriage. “Why do you stay?” Did you know he was like that in the beginning?” “Are you enabling Samuel?” “You’re an abused woman, that’s why you can understand and help other people in the same situation”

She was judged by the honest perspectives of caring people, and she understood their “wanderings” about her commitment and love for her wayward and backsliding husband.

It was not easy to explain to others, or to herself at times, but it made her go over and over and over again to God in prayer.

It made her seek and search the depths of God’s heart, looking into the archives of his ancient wisdom and for the secrets of his tenacious and everlasting love.

She looked so far, went so deep, only to end up in the middle of the ocean of God’s truth. She had choices, but she chose to love Samuel the way God wanted her to love him. Her allegiance was first and foremost to HIM regardless of how she was judged by others.

She already “knew,” whatever was getting ready to happen, she would remain devoted to God and to Samuel. Silvie wasn’t perfect and she had her personal ponderings.

Silvie wondered, occasionally, had she wasted, her life, on her husband. Should she have divorced him years before and married someone more emotionally inviting, capable of fidelity, and without a treasure chest of personal issues.

It would have been easier, but would she be the woman she is today? Would she had been out of the will of God? It was never a doubt that there were better men than the one she’d had.

She had learned, through her counseling experiences with clients, no one escaped marital issues; so, she would have only be trading troubles by getting a new husband. So why not stick with the mountain she’d already been climbing.

For the longest time, she thought their marriage would make it to the top; no matter what it looked like. She was wrong.

Silvie’s husband disappeared on her often; leaving in the early afternoon and not returning home until the next afternoon. He would give her, what she called “a Judas kiss” on the cheeks, and then say he was going to the doctor, or to pick up medicine, or to stop by his job.

It was always a partial truth if there is such a thing. She didn’t know where he was for over 24 hours, but she had an idea what he was doing. His sexual addiction had buried him in a grave of darkness that only he and Lazarus understood. Silvie could relate to Lazarus’ sisters who said about their brother to Jesus; “…by now, Lord, he stinketh.”

Those were her exact sentiments regarding her husband and his secret lifestyle: “..he stinketh.” When Silvie got to the hospital that day, she entered the busy intensive care unit.

Following the receptionist’s guidelines, she headed towards her destination and suddenly felt a headache coming on.

As she approached the ICU, she saw, her cousin, Samantha pacing the floor. She looked up when she saw Silvie and walked quickly towards her. She smiled at one of her favorite relatives as she stretched out her arms. “Silvie, girl, what took you so long?” The cousins embraced.

“Have there been any changes?” Samantha shook her head. Silvie looked over Samantha’s shoulders into the visitor’s lounge and she made a face.

Knowing what her cousin was thinking Samantha answered the question she knew her cousin asked in her heart.

“Yes, everybody’s here, your parents, Sûg’s parents, Seth, Solomon, Sabrina, and a few other family members.” Seth’s name caught Silvie’s attention.

“Let’s walk; so, you can fill me in on what’s happening.” Samantha looked at her like she’d lost her mind. “What Sam?” Samantha made a face at her.

“Silvie, you better take your butt in there and say something. THEN you can go sign-in and see Sûg.” Samantha looked reprimanding and menacing with her hands on her hips.

Silvie grimaced, she wasn’t ready for the drama she knew would follow. She sighed and Samantha gave her a loving squeeze around the shoulders as they headed for the lounge, but she only waved to everyone and kept moving.

Silvie make a quick decision to see Sûg first. She buzzed to be let into the ICU area and Samantha followed her. Sam waited in the hall while she went into the room alone.

“Oh my gosh!...” Silvie uttered into the open sanctuary of the room with it sounds of beeps and hums. “…Sammy…,” she said using her other nickname for him as she kissed his face and gently squeezed his hand.

Sûg looked lifeless as he lay on the bed with IV’s, gauzes, and a tracheal tube going in and around his body.

He was in a coma, because of a head injury and may or may not come out it. It was too early to tell. Silvie thought he looked as if he’d been in a serious car accident, instead of having been in a physical altercation.

She scooted a chair closer to the bed and sat down as she reached for his hand again. She closed her eyes in prayer and tried to think about what she felt in that moment. What happened Sûg? Where did the darkness take you this time?

Silvie sat quietly in Sûg’s room for a long time, just thinking the whole journey she had with this man and then decided to go into the visitor’s lounge.

She was really surprised to see Seth there. It was no secret that Seth didn’t like Samuel, but for some reason, he continued to pretend he did.

The relationship between the two men had been turbulent and rocky for years. Samuel had become tired of it. Seth told her personally he wished the man was dead so many times she’d lost count, and now he may have gotten his wish.

Back in high school, Silvie told Seth not to become friends with Samuel. Not because of Samuel, but because she knew how curious he was becoming about the carnal side of life. Samuel’s brothers were cool, good-looking guys; and liked to party.

Seth didn’t listen to her. Even though he blamed Samuel, it was Seth who changed everything between them. Once he forced himself into Samuel’s life and became close buddies with his brothers their relationship went downhill.

He admitted that it was calculating the way he befriended Samuel. Seth had even fooled his own family - under the guise of wanting to make Samuel a member of the church – into his devious plot.

Before Seth could blink an eye his life was rapidly going in a different direction. Samuel’s brothers were an unexpected surprise, and he admired their cool, womanizing ways.

Seth continued to pretend he wanted to get Samuel to join SBC and as time went on Samuel joined their church.

But Seth joined the party train with Samuel’s brothers. He learned how to straddle the fence with one foot in the church and the other knee-deep in the world.

He wanted Samuel to do the same thing, but Seth discovered that Samuel was nothing like his brothers. It wasn’t long before his parents were comparing him to Samuel. Seth started pretending like he was still the devoted Christian instead of the hypocrite he was becoming.

Samuel knew the carnal side of Seth and was a witness to the unchristian things he was doing while partying with his brothers. Samuel kept quiet and never said a word, but knew eventually what Seth was doing, in the dark, would come to the light.

Seth somehow became the worst of all of them and Samuel ended up trying to convince him to repent and get himself together.

Seth, however, was rebellious and enjoyed what he was doing until Silvie broke up with him. And Samuel, like he promised he would, came after her. That’s when Seth and Samuel became both friend and enemy; more enemy as time passed.

Samuel got deeply involved in the church and became a more dedicated person than Seth had ever been. Samuel told her he’d been raised in church too and had been the National Youth President for two years at his old church.

Her father and Samuel’s old pastor were friends, and he gave Samuel a high recommendation. Samuel was an all-round great guy with the smarts and talent to go with it.

Seth hated him for that and that hate had become like a volcano waiting for its chance to explode. Silvie wondered if Seth had anything to do with what happened to her husband.

CHAPTER 3

THE DOWN LOW

SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON, part 3

“…The truth shall MAKE YOU FREE…” (JOHN 8:32 KJV).

Silvie saw Samantha pacing the hallway floor, while her husband, Solomon, sat watching her too. What was Samantha so anxious about? They were cousins, best friends, and had been a part of each other’s life since they were infants.

They had gotten especially close when Samantha’s mother, Silvie’s Aunt Bonn, went missing years before. Nobody seemed to know anything or have any details about it either; not even Samantha’s father.

Losing her mother, like that, was devastating to Sam and she’d had nightmares about it for years. Samantha’s father was always so evasive about it and Sam always felt suspicious.

After many years of badgering him, her father finally said in frustration, “…Stop being nosey! That was your mother’s problem. I’ve told you I can’t tell you why your mother left, Sam. It had nothing to do with you. She loved you. Please just leave it alone…”

Samantha was shocked by her father’s comment. She told Silvie, it was then, she began to believe her father was hiding something.

Sam didn’t buy it that her mother left on a trip and never came back. Silvia agreed. Aunt Bonn was not like that. It was obvious to everyone that she loved her husband, her child, and the rest of her family. Silvia’s mother and her Aunt Bonn were very close too.

It made no sense to Sam or Silvie that Bonn simply left without explanation, but lately it had been bothering her cousin more than ever. Earlier she confided that Sûg’s incident got her to thinking about her mother again.

Silvie looked over at Samantha’s husband, Solomon and smiled. He was usually so supportive of Sam even though she knew their marriage had become strained and rocky.

They wanted children back then but had not yet been blessed with any and nothing was medically wrong with either one of them.

Every known human test had been taken and now they knew without a doubt it was truly up to God. Even though they had been advised to relax and let it happen naturally.

Samantha really didn’t know how to do that. She had been on edge and anxious for years. Solomon was the youth pastor at her father’s church. Samantha worked in the counseling department with Silvie as a Clinical Director.

“I’m busy” were her new buzz words and her husband had shared with Silvie he was growing impatience with hearing her excuses.

Solomon was starting to believe Samantha was being busy on purpose, just to avoid him. At first he thought it was him, but he was wrong. Samantha couldn’t stop the nagging feeling she’d had since her father had said. “…Stop being nosey! That was your mother’s problem…”

Samantha had gone to therapy for years, she’d prayed, and she sought God for answers, but she couldn’t find lasting peace about it.

She decided she needed to find out what really happened to her mother, and she believed that would help her.

Samantha was certain that finding out the truth would help her to relax and finally have Solomon’s child. Already, she had discovered her mother had been murdered and had not simply disappeared as the elders had told her.

Now it seems Samantha’s anxiety had increased. Silvie was worried about her. What are the elders hiding? Why was it a secret that Aunt Bonn was murdered?

Nonetheless, Solomon Alexander was deeply in love with Samantha. Silvie loved that about him. He told her he knew he was going to marry Samantha as a young boy. Not just because his parents choose her long ago as his future mate; but because he had always loved her. In their community marriages were still secretly arranged regardless of mainstream American ways.

Their family and Solomon’s family still followed many of the tribal customs, though somewhat loosely, in spite of living in the West.

Unlike many parent-led arranged marriages Solomon was allowed to consent to or decline the marriage and he had consented.

Samantha was special to him in so many ways; not just because their families shared African tribal traditions, but because she was a wonderful woman.

Sûg and Solomon got along well too. They talked sports, church, music, family, cars, and recently their new interest had become ancestral history.

They discovered blacks in the bible, that Ham was not cursed, and talked about black Israelites who came over to American during the slave trade years.

The two of them talked about African and biblical history constantly. But recently Sûg was not so talkative about his biblical research and when she asked him about it he was evasive. Samantha said Solomon was being close-mouthed too. What was the big deal? What had Sûg and Solomon discovered?

After greeting everyone in the visitor’s lounge properly, she sat chatting with Sabrina Adams. She and Sabrina used to be the best of buddies back in the day, but things had changed.

They had a history together, but the friendship part went out the window years ago. She didn’t trust Sabrina even when she was looking dead at her.

Sometimes when she knew that Sabrina was lying about something; she would just listen and watch how she would weave her lies. Sabrina was good at it.

The only reason she came around was because she’d had an eternal crush on Samuel for years. She wanted Silvie, her archenemy, close to her, and she also liked the notoriety the Mathiva family offered her.

At one time, Sabrina thought Samuel was a partier like his brothers, but she soon discovered he was strongly bonded to his faith traditions and backed off.

In high school she was going to ask him out until she realized he had eyes for Silvie. In those earlier days, she and Sabrina were true friends. They were popular cheerleaders in both high school and college, but that’s where the commonalities ended.

Somewhere along the way Sabrina became jealous of her. No matter how Silvie tried to appease her, Sabrina’s growing jealousy became a serious issue between them.

Silvie always had strong female role models, who were both nurturing and disciplinarians at the same time. Sabrina’s mother was distance and bitter about life and never really gave Sabrina much of herself at all.

And even though Silvie’s mother was extremely nice to her and respectful, she always felt as though she was an outsider. Recently her attitude was more foul than normal and when Silvie asked her about it she said it had something to do with what Sûg told her about her ancestral history.

Sabrina claimed she now understood why Silvie’s family always kept her at arm’s length. What Silvie didn’t know is that Samuel had told Sabrina that her jealousy of Silvie was steeped in her own dark family history.

Silvie knew that Sabrina was angry about Samuel’s revelation of her ancestral truths but didn’t know what it was. She made a mental note to ask Solomon about it later when they were alone.

Silvie watched her cousin for a long while, sighed, and went over to tell her to sit down. Samantha was pacing around like a caged cat.

What Silvie didn’t know was that Samantha was also thinking about her cousin’s husband. She loved Sûg, even though she didn’t like some of his behavior. He was a great guy in many ways.

His real name was Samuel Wade Anderson, but when Silvie started calling him Sûg, the rest of the family followed suit. Sûg sounds like the name Sue and the sound guh put together, and with their family’s leftover African accent it sounded like she was calling him “sugar.”

Samantha, Solomon, and Sûg thought it was a term of endearment. But she’d found out recently, the true meaning of the nickname. She was doing a biblical word study and ran across it by accident. It was the Hebrew word for backslider. When she questioned Silvie about it she merely laughed and said, “….that’s my Sûg … that’s who I’m married too…”

Samantha was shocked by her cousin’s response. All these years everyone had been calling him a backslider unknowingly, but it was too late to change it. Too many years had passed since Samantha discovered the truth about Samuel’s nickname.

Silvie remember trying to avoid taking to Seth Atkins that night. It was hard to believe she was crazy about him at one time.

Seth taught her that “good looks” was not always a gift and yet people killed themselves to be a society-imposed idea of physical beauty. Seth’s good looks had ruined his character and he was the biggest whoremonger she knew personally.

He was even better looking as an older man, but he still hadn’t changed a bit. Women were still lined up at his bedroom door. Sabrina, who was now his wife, kept them and Seth in check as least as far as she could control his wanderings. “Hello Seth.” She had said as she hugged him.

“Hey Silvie.” He’d gestured for her to sit next to him. “You know any details about what happened?” She’d shook her head.

“No more than what we’ve already been told. It looks like he had an altercation with someone or somebodies and that’s it for now. Well…they also said it must have been someone he knew, because there was no evidence of a break-in or anything.”

“Do you have any idea who could have done this?” She’d shaken her head again.

“You know he wrote the initials S and A on the wall?” Seth was surprised.

“What do you think that means?”

“It is either a person’s initials or something else…” Her words faded off.

“Something else?...” Seth looked puzzled, but Silvie hadn’t elaborated.

“I guess you’re keeping the “something else” to yourself” She’d smiled and took a long sip of her coffee as they both sat silent for a long moment.

Seth still pined over her; to him she was still a pretty woman inside and out. Though he’d gone on with his life, he never got over her. He’d joined the military, moved away after they broke up, and married Sabrina,

He’d retired once he did his 20 years and had settled back in town. Seth had been able to travel the world. Unfortunately, the miles he’d put between them had not been enough to erase the regret he felt over losing Silvie.

He had admitted to Samantha he wanted to blame Samuel, but deep down he knew it really wasn’t his fault.

When she saw him that day at the hospital, the two of them hadn’t really spoken to each other again since the breakup. The way they ended it was not good. There were small kindnesses, like that day at the hospital, or major disagreements like the other day, or group conversations when they all gotten together as couples.

But the two of them had never had an one-on-one conversation about the past. The last time they had talked about their relationship, he never let her get one word in and he’d called her every name in the book. All those years ago, Seth was the one who walked away and never spoke to her again.

Back then, she’d called him a few times and came to his house, but he refused to see her or take any of her calls. He wanted her to suffer and feel guilty for what she’d done to him with Samuel and a part of him still did.

He wanted her to think she’d wronged him out and not the other way around. That’s why he kept his distance; never wanted to give her the opportunity to present her case, and religiously avoided the topic.

Seth, she felt, wanted her to go to her grave with the guilt over what she done to him, but what he didn’t realize is that she didn’t feel any guilt at all.

Sometimes they chatted together like they did that day in the hospital, and he simply treated her like they were just old friends.

She’d answered him saying, “It’s not that I keeping anything to myself…” Silvie looked Seth directly in the face that day. “I’m just saying the initials may be some ‘thing” and not necessarily someone. How’s your Mom?” She remembered changing the subject. She didn’t get personal with Seth and that was fine with her.

They never talked about what happened to their relationship. Silvie was aware of how he constantly flipped the script and placed the blame on her. But what Seth didn’t know is that she knew he had cheated on her way before Samuel ever came into the picture.

She saw him, with her own eyes, getting in on with Brenda Stanly, in the backseat of his father’s car. Her suspicions had been right. She was done with Seth that day. Silvie wasn’t as naïve as he thought she was and one day she was going to tell him.

Silvie hugged and kissed everybody before exiting the lounge and leaving the hospital. Most of the family including Samantha stayed a little longer. Before exiting the room, she’d turned to watch them chat, ponder over what happened, and talk about praying for Samuel.

Her mother saw her and rushed over to her. She’d said: “It’s going to be alright. You know that don’t you baby…” She smiled lovingly and they embraced one more time.

“Yes m’am I do.” Silvie trusted God. Being raised in the church was a good thing if it doesn’t turn into being socialized into the church. She would have never learned the difference if it hadn’t been for Pastor William Taylor.

Pastor Taylor was a visiting minister who shared a testimony one Sunday morning that revealed he knew God; not just knew about God, but he knew God.

She could hear some of his words so clear; even to this day, “…..every day I walk with God in the garden of my life and it is the sweetest fellowship I have ever known. In his presence I am filled with revealed knowledge about his holy and loving nature. He tells me about himself and reveals my identity to me as his chosen child. Oh what great love God has for us; it is so sweet; this I know personally. I love him today, church, and every day he reveals more and more of himself to me…”

Silvie was captivated by his simple, but profound confession and the anointing was so powerful upon his words, she wept uncontrollably. In that moment, she realized a horrible truth about herself and she felt ashamed of her Christian walk.

She was the phony and hypocrite she accused so many others of being, and it broke her heart. It made her feel empty as she hugged, kissed, said all her typical Christian clichés, and did all her typical Christian behaviors.

She was a master at maneuvering within the Christian culture and she knew how to look like the real thing. When she returned home that evening after hearing Pastor Taylor’s testimony; she threw her belongings on the dresser and got on her knees beside her bed.

All she could do was weep before God, until finally she was able to confess her sins, “…..God, I don’t know you and I don’t love you…” She thought she heard God sigh and Silvie realized this news did not come as a surprise to God.

The Holy Spirit guided her to read the book of Hosea. And as she saw the love of God for backsliding Israel; God revealed his personal love for her. Those few hours in her room reveling in God’s love for her; revolutionized her Christian walk and she begin to truly have a genuine, loving relationship with God.

This was the pivotal moment that changed her life forever. It was a scary thought that she had almost missed God by doing Christianity and not becoming Christ-like from the heart.

Silvie came to realize she wasn’t the only one who was stuck in socialized Christianity. Socialized Christianity only impacted behavior, but never transformed the heart.

It was the greatest trick the devil could ever pulled on God’s people; making them believe doing was the same as becoming.

It made her thankful every day for Pastor Taylor’s testimony and the power of the Holy Spirit to reveal God’s truth, to her, through him.

Every close friend she had grew up in the church and it had helped shape the way they adopted or learned the ways of Christian culture. Doing Christianity was second nature to all of them, but the danger in religious socialization is that it can become merely a learned practice as it had for her.

Silvie’s involvement with Christianity was a religious habit and she could do it without much thought. It was a scary and sobering reality.

Christianity was a serious part of her family’s beliefs and values. Righteous living through lifelong reinforcement came from her parents, grandparents, church family, private school, friends, and community.

Silvie knew how to do Christianity and she knew everybody didn’t end up merely socialized into their religious culture, but many did.

Growing up, Silvie and her friends would assess each other’s behavior through their religious values and rules, but not necessary their hearts. It was important to do right, but not necessarily be right, and most times people considered doing and being one and the same.

She was honestly happy and grateful she’d been raised in the church, but she didn’t choose Christianity; she had inherited it from her family and community.

It was the greatest inheritance and upbringing a child could be blessed with, but eventually that child had to choose for themselves to know God personally.

Although she had accepted Christ at an early age; she had not developed her own personal relationship with God. She had blindly accepted the Christian behaviors and had ignorantly followed the religious traditions without testing the timeless truths of her faith for herself.

Her parents had said many times, “…you have to know God for yourself” and she never understood what that meant until Pastor Taylor shared it in his testimony. Silvie remember Pastor Taylor’s closing words, “…you can do the Christian religion your whole life, but if it never transforms your heart you have wasted your time…” Before she left, that day, Silvie visited her husband one more time and she shivered at the memories of the life they’d shared together thus far

She, again, sat quietly next to Sûg, for the longest and ended up falling asleep. It was three o’clock in the morning before she opened her eyes. Almost everybody was gone. They had agreed on taking shifts so somebody in the family would be with Sûg at all times.

She was grateful for the family and friends she had. They were always so supportive. Yet she had never told them all the details of her marriage to Sûg. They knew a lot, but some things she kept to herself.

Not because she was trying to hide it, but because they were truly some things only God could understand, especially if he is the one who called you to the assignment.

As close as she was to her mother and her cousins; they didn’t know her journey. When did it start? As she sat in the hospital room that day and as she sat in the hotel this day, she thought about how the journey, with Samuel, began.

CHAPTER 4

THE DOWN LOW

SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON, part 4

“…The truth shall MAKE YOU FREE…” (JOHN 8:32 KJV).

May 1978

A bunch of girlfriends were all at a women’s conference and the pastor did an altar call for everyone who was praying for a mate.

Silvie’s relationship with God was so rich at that time, especially since her spiritual epiphany, and she didn’t want a mate. But at the urging of friends, she went down front to the altar.

Right before she graduated from college with her bachelor’s degree, Samuel Wade Anderson asked her to marry him and she said yes. Samuel had become a close and dear friend. He was a real gentleman who never stepped right into Seth’s shoes but waited patiently.

He told her she needed time and he gave her plenty of it. Samuel was the best male friend and she really liked him. They could talk for hours and hours about everything. She loved that about him, and she came to realize she was the only one who really had the privilege of knowing Samuel so intimately.

Samuel was quiet and socially shy. When other people were around, she did all the talking, but when they were alone, he did. He had “loner” tendencies and qualities whereas Silvie lived out loud and was a social butterfly. Yet, their differences seemed to work for them for many years.

They were both full of wanderlust and wanted to see the world. They talked about it endlessly. Paris, Israel, Italy, Egypt, Greece; were just a few of the future places they’d planned to visit.

She’d saved some money, during college, and purchased a trip to Italy for their honeymoon. It was an opening to the first of many of their out-of-the-country experiences. Samuel was so shocked he almost fainted when she handed him the tickets. It was her wedding gift to him.

Wanderlust was one of the greatest things they shared and had in common. The best thing, however, about their relationship is that they were both Christians and truly loved the Lord. Before he asked Silvie to marry him he told her he’d prayed earnestly about it and she did too.

While she was praying, she admitted to God Samuel wasn’t who she had in mind. Maybe some small, small part of her was hoping Seth would turn around.

Although Seth had become more worldly than Samuel’s brothers; Samuel was a tab bit nerdy, preppy, and almost on the “boring” side of the spectrum. But she heard the Holy Spirit say, “I thought you said whatever my will was…”

She had indeed said whatever God’s will was. She would follow it wherever God lead. The indwelling Holy Spirit, she was certain, had said, “.. this marriage is my will.” She wept at the blessing of God’s direction and for a marriage that was God’s will.

She began to think Samuel was right, because truly he began to feel like her soulmate. He even admitted to crying with joy over their engagement around the same time she did. It was corny, but they both had thought it was a sign that God was indeed with them.

Samantha shook her head when she’d told her about them both crying at the same time, and she called them “hokey.” Once they announced their engagement they received prophesies, affirmations, and blessings from others that confirmed God’s word spoken to each of them privately.

After that, Silvie’s imagination went wild thinking about her marriage being made in heaven and what that meant on earth. If God approved of it; they were going to do great things together. They would have a ministry and work together doing God’s work. They would have a big family and raise their children in the Lord.

They would be highly in love and be an example to other married couples. Silvie went off the grid with the heavenly dreams this marriage would bring. After all, it was God’s will, right?

Her and Samuel’s marriage was God’s will and it was made in heaven just the way she thought. But it didn’t unfold quite the way she imagined. Sex addiction was not a part of Silvie’s heavenly imagination about her marriage, but it had played a starring role.

June 2010

That day, in the hospital, she’d kissed Samuel gently on his cheek before she left. Silvie was on a mission. She was going home to eat, change, and then drive to the apartment they owned in DC.

Her parents wanted her to see if anything was missing or out of place; just in case there was an investigation if Samuel died. “Oh my Gosh...if Samuel died..”

She almost fainted at the thought and had to lean against the wall outside in the hospital parking lot. After taking a couple of deep breaths she continued to walk to her car.

She headed toward southern Maryland where she found her father, Samantha, and Solomon waiting for her at their house. They all had keys.

They were going to stay with her until things “settled” down. Samantha followed her into the master bedroom. “I made a hot bath for you, Silvie”

“Oh Sam, you’re a peach. Thanks.” She’d said. Then Sam asked:

“Any changes?” She’d shaken her head as she stripped out of her clothes. “Are you worried, Silvie?”

“A little, Sam. I have so many questions….”

“Questions about what?”

“You know the bible story about Lazarus?” Samantha nodded. “Well Sug’s life has come to that.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“He has become like a man who is buried in a grave of deep darkness and now….”

“I don’t understand, Silvie...” Sam interrupted her, but she’d looked at her cousin with a tired smile. Where did she begin to tell Samantha or anyone about her marriage?

How would she describe her relationship with Samuel, Sûg, her husband, the love of her life, and her catalyst for knowing God in the deepest way possible?

Silvie walked into her closet to get her fluffy white robe and spotted the hatbox that still held her wedding veil. What a lovely wedding. It was a whole year of wedding plans before they said their vows.

June 1979

Silvie was so excited about it being her turn to walk down the aisle and be the bride. She had been maid of honor and bridesmaid so many times and now some of those same friends where doing it for her.

Her grandmother had been given some antique lace from France years before and made her mother’s wedding dress. Her mother altered that same dress for her size 7, at the time, body. On one of their vantage shopping sprees, they found matching wedding gloves without fingers and a bridal hat veil to die for.

The fairy-tale wedding gown had a strapless lace bodice with a short-sleeve sheer overlay and flared out at the hips in a dramatic spray of beautiful white chiffon.

The bodice was the only thing her mother altered, and she had to take in the waist several inches; since Silvie’s waist was so small. Samuel was different from most grooms and was involved in every detail of the planning. He wanted to use pastel green as one of the colors and she added pastel yellow.

They agreed to a southern belle theme. It was thirty-five people in the wedding party when they finished, which included friends and family closest to them. Samuel had enough musical selections that people said it was more like a concert than a wedding.

But they agreed they didn’t want people bored. Silvie kept a wedding book with her everywhere she went and became the consummate wedding planner in the process. She was exhausted by the time May arrived.

It was surprising how many wedding disaster stories she’d heard and by the time her wedding day came her nerves were on edge. When she came to the church that day there was a barrage of complaints, but she asked one simple question, “Is Samuel Wade Anderson here?”

After that she didn’t care if the roof fell in as long as she became Mrs. Silvia Sarab Anderson. Nothing made her heart flutter greater than when she walked down the aisle to begin spending the rest of life with the handsome and debonair Samuel W. Anderson.

June 2010

Silvie tied her robe together, came out of the closest, and looked deep into her cousin’s eyes who was still waiting for an explanation. “Lately, I’ve wondered if he was still a child of God. I don’t want him to die physically and go to hell.”

Samantha stared at her cousin, that day, with her mouth gaped open as Silvie went stripped out of the white robe and got into the hot steaming water.

Silvie sat in the hot water and laid back. This was one of her favorite things to do in order to relax and she could sit in the jacuzzi tub for hours at times. Of course, with her family there, she couldn’t do that day, because they had decided to accompany her to DC.

She missed the friendship, her and Samuel, shared at one time. No matter what has happened he was still the love of “her” life even if she was no longer the love of his.

When she said her vows to him, she promised God and herself she would keep them. Her wedding day was still so familiar to her.

June 1979

She remembered the processional, walking down the aisle with her father, smiling at Samuel, all the musical selections, lighting the unity candle, and exchanging the vows. Silvie had listened so attentively to the pastor when he said, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.” Key words; “sight of God,” “face of this congregation,” and “holy matrimony.”

Silvie remembered smiling at Samuel, that day, as he looked into her eyes and she surrendered her heart of devotion to her new husband. He was so good-looking in his black suit and crisp white shirt. After a while the preacher said "Samuel Wade Anderson, do you take Chenai Sarab Mathiva to be your wedded wife to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love, comfort, honor, and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?"

It was a Kodak moment when Samuel leaned closer to her face and said in his husky male voice, “I do” Silvie heard the same words, “…do you take...” “…do you promise..” “to love… to keep him...” “for better… or worst… or poorer….in sickness..”

She leaned close to him and said, “I do.” The rings were blessed and exchanged. Special music started to play, and Samuel sung the most beautiful song to her. She was captivated again. Neither of them heard another word until, the preacher said, “…I now pronounce you husband and wife…”

As they kissed, people cheered, laughed, their parents coughed, and others whistled. They were Mr. and Mrs. Samuel W. Anderson; members of the marriage-made-in-heaven club.

June 2010

Samantha had gone back with the others. Silvie dried herself off and dressed quickly. She’d already stayed in the bathtub longer than she intended and every few minutes someone was yelling for her to “…hurry up…”

Silvie checked herself in the mirror. She liked her skin to look clean, her lipstick red, her hair neatly combed, to smell good, and her clothes fashionable, but conservative. She was modest about her appearance, even though she’d had a few moments of vanity when she was younger.

August 2016, present

As she came out of the hotel bathroom, she sat back down at the desk. Even thought Silvie was getting back to herself, which she thought was a much better version. She remembered her younger self and wondered where that young woman had gone. Did she let her go or had she leave on her own? Physical beauty was not all it was chalked up to be and yet beauty was a trillion-dollar industry in America.

You can attract a man or woman with looks, but what if that becomes the only way you can keep them?

What happens when your looks change, or is trumped by another good-looking person, or you get older? What if a person is not attracted to you based on how you look at all?

What if they are attracted to you because of your character and your looks are a by-product of that attraction? Most of the time character is a by-product of one’s looks.

Samuel was an exception to the rule. He always claimed he was in love with Silvie’s character and yes; he thought she was pretty too.

When your character is in the young adult development stage; it can cause a lot of problems. At one time, Silvie thought she was all that and a piece of cake; and any man would be blessed to have her as a wife. She had the typical young woman vanity about being a “good” woman.

All her life she’d been told she was loving, kind-hearted, giving, sweet, friendly, humorous, pretty, smart, and creative; Samuel thought so too… in the beginning of their marriage.

It’s funny how God can use the circumstances of your life to give you a transforming overhaul and nothing is more humbling than to realize you are not “all that” after all.

Not in a way that creates low self-esteem, but in a way that makes you recognize your need for a Savior in every area of your heart life.

One thing she’d learned well; was to give your whole heart and self to the Living God and leave nothing, absolutely nothing to chance. Part of her daily prayer was, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Everything Silvie was and ever hoped to be, in this life, that’s worth while, flowed from exercising her faith in God and the power of his indwelling Holy Spirit. He was her portion and her sufficiency in everything.

June 2010

When they arrived at the apartment, that day, it was an unusually sunny day. The apartment was a three bedroom in the Georgetown area. She and Samuel stayed there anytime they were in the district for a concert, special events, for fun, or to do some shopping.

One bedroom was theirs, the other an office, and sometimes they loaned the third bedroom to family and friends when they came as quests. Samuel’s laptop was open on the kitchen counter and papers were scattered all around.

She begam reading the last paragraph just to see what he was working on; it read, “Silvie, if something happens to me, ask your father about the Lemba, the Sena, and the Balaam tribes…” She made a mental note to talk with her father.

Everyone pitched in to clean up the mess which included Samuel’s blood on the floor and the wall. A few hours later, Silvie made a quick call to the hospital while Samantha and Solomon made some lunch. She saw her father looking at Samuel’s laptop earlier and decided to broach the subject. “Dad, did you read Samuel’s notes?”

“Yes, I did. He’s done his research well.”

“Why does he want me to ask you about these African tribes or groups of people?” He didn’t answer right away. Pastor Simeon Mathiva had a secret history far beyond the American shores.

He knew the African American story better than most. It had been passed down orally for ages and now others were finding out some of the secrets of their African past.

African Americans were getting dual citizenships and bridging the break with their original African tribes, but very few knew about the Lemba, Sena, and Balaam tribes.

In 1841 the Sena tribe, while travelling in Nigeria, the first of his immediate family, were captured. Nooses were thrown around the necks of every one of them and they were tied together like animals.

His forefather, Moses Mathiva, was separated from his wife, son, daughter-in-law, mother, father, two brothers, three sisters, and other family members. Moses, along with many other captives ended up on an American slave ship bound for the transatlantic slave market, and he was sad and heartbroken.

He was bought and sold to a Kenneth Addison, one of the richest men in northern Maryland at the time. Moses was tall, strong, and big like the Mandingo warriors, but he wasn’t a Mandingo; he was from a biblical tribe.

Master Addison took a liking to him and taught him to read and write. After many years, Moses was able to communicate to him the history of his people.

Addison being the religious man he was felt convicted and obligated to send him back to his people in Africa. Addison managed to get most of Moses’ family.

Everyone returned to Africaon a British abolitionist ship headed to Sierra Leone, except for Moses and Moses’ son,. Moses refused to go back to Nigeria - where other family members had waited for his return – without his son, Nahab.

Meanwhile, his family settled in that region instead of going back to South Africa where his fellow tribesman lived.

Moses was freed, but didn’t want to leave, his son, Nadab, in America. He decided he’d returned to Africa afterwards, but he never did.

What Moses didn’t know is that Master Addison looked until he found Nadab and kept him safe in America as he had promised Moses he would.

Nadab had the tribal skin mark and back in Africa a rival tribe, had raided his ancestors village in Nigeria killing many of the men with the prophetic mark.

That hatred and jealousy had gone on for years and years, but Moses knew Nadab would ensure their tribe would one day be restored and replenished so that the spirit of prophecy would continue among the people of the Living God.

Bishop Simeon Mathiva was Nadab’s descendant; so was his daughter, Silvie who also had the mark of prophecy.

Very seldom did a woman get the mark, but Silvie had it and so had her Aunt Bonn, Simeon’s sister. The mark always signified the person would be a mouthpiece for the Living God, but no one would say anything until that person heard directly from the Holy Spirit themselves.

It was at that time the tribal heads would tell them about the history of the mark of prophecy. Two years ago Silvie said the Holy Spirit told her she would be a mouthpiece for God. After Bonn’s death, he and Miriam decided not to tell their daughter about the biblical history for fear of her safety.

Bonn’s prophecy of destruction came true after she counseled the chief of the Balaam tribe. She was killed during her visit to the rural region of Africa and now those same Balaam tribal descendants were looking to finish killing Moses’ descendants of the Prophet tribe that were in America.

CHAPTER 5

THE DOWN LOW

SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON, part 5

“…The truth shall MAKE YOU FREE…” (JOHN 8:32 KJV).

June 1979

Her marriage to Samuel started just like any other story of two young lovers. There was never a hint or clue of future trouble.

On their wedding night they jumped on the bed together and got loss in the piles and piles of chiffon springing from her dress and slept. Months and months of wedding planning left them fatigued and delayed the consummation of their marriage until almost the midnight hour.

The wonderful thing about being two virgins is that you create your own natural way of becoming one in the biblical way. They had decided not to ask others about the details of sex and keep their discovery of it pure unto themselves and God.

Therefore, for them there was a lot of giggling and innocence in those early days. And for Silvie there has never been anything more precious than the first time they made love; well maybe the second time.

It wasn’t just the physical part; it was the bliss of giving yourself to someone so openly and with such unbridled trust it almost made your heart burst with pleasure.

This is where her bond and commitment to Samuel came home to roost. The two things she loved most about him was his faith in God and his integrity. He was so honest in those early days it was an amazing attribute to watch, and he would tell her the truth about whatever she wanted to know even if was embarrassing. His integrity made him irresistible to her. Where did it go? When did it flutter away?

June 2010

Silvie knew her family had deep African roots, but unlike most African Americans, they were still connected to theirs. She, however, had knowledge about the family history, but no real bonding or interactions with her African tribal relatives.

She had travelled many times to Lagos, Nigeria, Johannesburg, and Soweto to visit relatives and spent time with them, but it was discouraged.

Silvie listened as her father explained that almost two hundred years ago; his family was part of a prophetic tribe that basically reside in South Africa.

But while travelling in Nigeria in the 1800s, one if his forefathers, Moses Mathiva, was kidnapped, along with members of his family and bought to America as slaves for several years.

When the master discovered their biblical lineage, he returned them to West Africa during the abolition and they stayed in Sierra Leone, and later settled in Nigeria.

They never returned to South Africa, without Moses, because he’d insisted on waiting to find his son, Nahab who been sold to another plantation, and another, and another, etc.

Moses kept in touch with his people and updated them upon his search for Nadab, who was lost in the new World. He kept and insisted they keep a genealogical record for their descendants sake.

So while in Nigeria, Moses’ clan grew and did well. They followed some of the old Sena tribal customs as best they could and many of the men became great prophets.

A rival tribe grew jealous of their cultural ways and traditions; over the years some of the Sena tribe was killed in fights or mysteriously disappeared or were sold into slavery by the Balaam tribe.

The main reason for the Balaam’s tribe’s hatred was the Sena tribe’s gift of prophecy and how their prophesies about them always came true.

“What did your tribal people do different than anybody else?”

“There were certain dietary laws, keeping of the Sabbath, circumcisions, marital laws, secret behaviors or rituals, special holiday’s particular to the Old Testament covenant laws and practices. Another cousin tribe, the Lemba’s, did the same things.”

“They almost sound like they’re Jewish or something.” Silvie had chuckled, but her father was silent. “Oh my Gosh, Dad, are you telling me our ancestors were black Israelites? Dad, we’ve been to Africa a thousand times to visit yours and Mom’s relatives, but they’re just regular Nigerian citizens like everybody else.”

Silvie knew her parent’s families were well-to-do and some of them were part of the wealthy sect of Nigerians.

“…Yes…” he’d answered. “…Eventually, they joined the larger ethnic group to get work and have careers, but as you know, they live in their own community. Some tribal members moved into our Nigerian community from the South Africa tribes over the years because of our ancestral connections. And as you know, we also have relatives and tribal communities in Johannesburg and Soweto. We are the American Israelites really and many of us have - to a diminished degree - followed some of the old tribal ways and also embraced the Christian faith…”

Silvie had been flabbergasted and astounded by the new. “…Dad, why didn’t you, Mom, or anybody else ever tell us about this part of our heritage?...”

“…I told you the history of our people who originally came from Yemen and Sena thousands of years ago. That’s all you needed to know…”

“…Dad…you’re not answering the question…”

“…Silvie…”

“…What are you not telling me, Dad. What secret are you keeping?...”

“…It’s not a secret, Silvie. Much of our bloodline have become so acculturated into the American society that we are far removed from the Sena and Lemba tribal culture and traditions. Our relatives in Africa say we are worst than they are in keeping Sena or Lemba ways. We are Senas by blood, but not by true tribal culture or tradition any more. The South Africa Lembas are the only ones who have preserved their oral culture for over 2,500 years, but lately more and more of their people are being assimilated into the greater African societies too. Our lineage was one of the first to break away from the Sena and Lemba communities. Moses was eventually excommunication because he married a non-Sena woman...”

“…Dad, I don’t care whether our ancestors were excommunicated or not… you would have normally told me something like this. Why didn’t you?”

“We…I just didn’t Silvie. It’s for your own good. I can’t even talk about this now. I need to get back to the office.”

Stunned, Silvie stared at her father as he walked back into the kitchen that day and she wondered… where had she heard those words before: It’s for your own good.

Silvie didn’t pursue the conversation further with her father. Afterwards she checked the master bedroom, but nothing looked disturbed. She was just about to leave the room when she saw something sticking from under the dresser.

Silvie pulled the papers out to get a better look and saw it was a list of adult websites. She quickly looked over her shoulders to see if anyone else had entered the room and then quietly slipped into the private bath to sit on the edge of the tub.

No one paid attention to how many congregants dealt with sexual addiction in the church, but she did. Her research taught her that 45 percent of Christian households were impacted by sexual addiction and if this demographic would stop engaging in the activity, the multi-billion-dollar industry would go under.

The thing about God’s way and man’s way; is that God’s way is always holy and righteous. When God instructed Silvie to show Sûg grace during his addiction and disappearing acts from home, she struggled with being obedient.

She wanted to be mad, she wanted to give her husband the cold shoulder, and she wanted to give him some serious words or attitude. She wanted to kick him out, get rid of him, and divorce him. But God wanted her to show him grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

The problem with grace - not treating her husband according to his wrongs towards her - is that it looked to her or in the natural like she was letting him get away with something. Or even worst, that she was condoning or tolerating his behavior.

Is that what God is doing when he demonstrates his grace? No, but she could now see how people misinterpreted God’s ways. God’s grace is not permission for us to continue to do wrong and act offensively towards God, but it’s a holy gift that says I love you enough to assist you or give you an opportunity, through grace, to live the righteous life Christ died for you to have.

Silvie found it easy to accept the grace of God for herself, but not so easy to express that grace to another human being. Especially, if the expressed grace to the other human being was for a personal offense committed against you.

The offenses were so hurtful and the only seemingly, appropriate retaliation was for the person to pay for the wrong they have inflicted on your heart. That moment of impact when pain collides with the heart is indescribable and it is hard to do the right thing.

God says mercy triumphs over judgement, and it will never give a person the punishment they may deserve. That’s what her martial story, to Samuel, was about: grace and mercy, but sometimes it was blurred by the desires of her flesh to follow its own will.

What Samuel did to her heart was hurtful and a serious betrayal, yet, she knew, God’s way still takes precedence. The evil Samuel did was utterly offensive. Silvie’s humanity was a neon sign that revealed her need for a holy God.

God’s kind of Love is stronger than any offense, but her human love was not. God’s kind of love is a mystery that boggles the human mind when it walks into the dark places on life’s journey.

Godly love can victoriously keep the oddest of people together with its Spirit of Unity. Silvie didn’t always want to love Sûg the way God was leading her too and sometimes she didn’t. However, God’s kind of love won most of the time.

There were so many moments when she was tempted to throw in the towel on everything; her marriage, her walk with God, and her whole life as she’d known it.

She never told another soul in all her born years about her private temptation to call it quits on everything.

April 2002

For months she’d worked on a project with Miles Worthington. He was a beautiful specimen of a man, and he was deeply spiritual too.

They were both the Head chairpersons for the big Professional Counselors conference for the coming year and they spend hours and hours working on the program.

Together they decided what classes to have, what leading therapists to invite either to teach or speak, and what gospel artist to book for the music. She and Miles would talk for hours, ate lunch at local parks, texted or emailed regularly, and sometimes shared a late dinner at a nearby restaurant.

One evening, after one of her many arguments with Samuel about his late-night behaviors, she sat crying in her office. His behavior had really hurt her feelings and broke her heart.

It would have been easy to walk away from the marriage and never look back. Her sobbing was loud at times. She had no idea anybody else was at the church that particular Friday evening.

She had often come here for solace and retreat from her complex life. Like a sudden burst of color in her gray clouds her door flew opened and there stood Miles. He was tall as a basketball player, strong as a football player, and more handsome than even the best female imagination could conquer up.

Silvie felt embarrassed at her vulnerable state, but she seemed to have no problem accepting the warm, safe embrace Miles offered to her. He smelled of soap and spice as she cried into his large chest, and she couldn’t remember how long she lingered there.

He eventually took her hand and guided her across the room. She followed and noticed he locked the door before he parked himself on the leather couch next to her. He wrapped her in his arms a second time. Neither of them said anything for a long, long, time.

Silvie knew this was the trappings of a potential affair when she looked up at him and he brushed a gentle kiss on her nose. She felt all the temptation of emotions and tingling sensations of physical stirrings as she sat next to this amazon of a man, in her office, at her father’s church.

She was at a fork in the road and the question of the hour was “Which way are you going to take, Silvie?” Her husband was an addict, a jerk, a sneak, and had committed many atrocious and unfaithful acts. She would be justified in having an affair by the world’s standards.

All her carnal senses were screaming and shouting and pulling at her flesh, but it wasn’t her style. Something stronger beckoned to her and it was more powerful than the temptation that was trying to be monstrous in its efforts to make her succumb.

This was another, pivotal, moment where her Christianity was tested, and she would learn something about her own commitment to follow after Christ.

Silvie attempted to move away from Miles, but he pulled her closer and before she could protest his lips found her nose again. His kisses moved from her nose towards her lips. She pressed her lips together, so he could not go any further and she gently removed herself from his intoxicating embrace.

Just as quickly she stood up from the couch and distanced herself. Once she was safe behind her desk, she found her voice. Her knees buckled and she held onto her desk to steady herself.

“…Miles, thank you, but I think I’ll be okay from here…” He looked at her with a face full of passion.

“…Silvie, I’m sorry. I don’t know when it happened…. when I developed such strong feelings for you. I didn’t mean to ever act on them. You’re so beautiful, inside and out, and the moment presented itself. I’m sorry I took advantage of you. I would never want to do anything to hurt you. I hope you know that. I love you, Silvie...”

Her heart skipped a beat at his words and her resolve was extremely weak. She had feelings for him too. For a moment she wanted to throw it all away and go with the landslide of emotions rapidly filling her thoughts.

Miles looked at her too and all that he felt was in his eyes. They were beautiful, handsome, and loving eyes and she hadn’t seen that kind of look, from a man, in a long time. They had become too close. They were not strangers, and had developed an emotional and spiritual friendship, yet nothing inappropriate had ever happened between them…until now.

Not that they had done anything too inappropriate, but they were teeter-tottering dangerously close. She was married and Miles was single. She was training him and was supposed to be his example and leader. What she said and did at this moment was crucial.

They were bordering on the edge of trouble. She closed her eyes in a moment of prayer and after a few moments, decided to handle it from a professional standpoint.

“…Miles, this is the type of thing we discuss all time in our meetings when we talk about ethical behavior between therapists and client. It’s no different between us. I am your Supervisor and the same ethical guidelines applies. How you and I handle this from this moment on will impact our ability to work together.”

Miles sat back on the couch and understood the slight threat in her words. He knew the ethical guidelines too, but at the moment he didn’t care.

He loved Silvie and was willing to throw his career opportunities at SBC away to let her know how he felt. He battled with his faith as well and felt guilty about her being another man’s wife. Miles was smart and knew she felt something for him too. She was using their professional position to handle the situation.

It really was a clever way to diffuse the intimate bond that had undoubtedly developed between them. If he continued his pursuit of her; she would fire him. If he let it go, he couldn’t continue to work so close to her anymore.

He felt Silvie looking at him as she waited for his reply. He cared enough, for her, to comply with her wishes. “…You’re right. I hope my confession of feelings and love will now be understood as being based on the depth of friendship we share and nothing more.”

Silvie nodded, both knowing that what he’d said was a bunch of bull. Yet Miles, being the incredible man he was, stood up to leave. “…Well, I better go…” Miles looked into Silvie’s face one last time and his eyes told her everything as he turned to exit her office.

That was the last time she saw Miles alone. After the conference, the following year, he turned in his resignation and left SBC for good.

June 2010

Looking back, Silvie was glad she never cheated on her husband or God. She was glad she never put herself in that position again either.

For better or worst, she was Samuel’s wife. Her vows were made to him and to God and she planned to keep them sacred. All you have at the end of the day is your character, your integrity, your faith, and she had learned… Christ-like living was the only wealth you truly possessed.

After she left the DC apartment, that day, she went to visit Samuel. She remembered sitting next to his bedside and looking deep into his face as she admitted, in her heart, this man is a sexual addict.

She tried to remember when she became aware of his addiction. It’s amazing how naively and simply you believe a person’s truth when you are young. There is no complex, guarded, or closed heart, but a simple child-like open and vulnerable faith in a person’s confessed truth. Where had Samuel’s truth gone?

Sûg was honest with her about his initial interest in the illicit side of life, but swore he was supernaturally healed, and she believed him lock, stock, and barrel.

CHAPTER 6

THE DOWN LOW

SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON, part 6

“…The truth shall MAKE YOU FREE…” (JOHN 8:32 KJV).

August 1977

Silvie and Samuel’s friendship had grown deep. They seemed to have bonded by revealing their truths to one another.

Samuel was going back West to finish the first year of his Master’s degree in music and had asked Silvie to go dancing with him. After she heard his truth she told him she needed space and wasn’t sure she even wanted to be friends any more.

His truth was too heavy and deep for her young heart. She broke off their friendship before he left and quick speaking to him for almost a year. Yet, Samuel continued to stay in contact, even though she didn’t.

He had asked her to marry him, before he left, and she said no. Silvie thought Samuel was good-looking, interesting, intellectual, gentle, honest, one of the best friends and confidante’s she’d ever had, but he had a scary secret too.

Even though Samuel was artistic, and adventurous, he was also nerdy, dull, too ethical, and too complicated. Silvie was afraid his issues would eventually destroy them, their beautiful love for each other, and most importantly their unique friendship.

Samuel really was her soulmate, in so many ways, and they bonded together so deeply and richly that she missed him the whole time he was gone. As messed up as he seemed to her and she wasn’t perfect either, she loved him.

And maybe their love, faith, and friendship would overcome the issues. There were a lot of things about Samuel that concerned her and made her wondered if they could have a “right” relationship or not.

But on the other hand, Samuel had several irresistible qualities; he was a gentle giant, he knew the Word of God, he wanted to experience similar things as she did, they communicated so well together, and he had integrity. She loved those things about him. They were seductive traits.

In addition, he wanted to travel the world, he had innovative dreams, and he was a Christian. She felt together they would be dynamite and maybe they’d be okay! Publicly Samuel was shy and quiet, but with her he talked non-stop and she knew his true heart.

She didn’t necessary like what she knew, but his honesty was intoxicating. Thus, in spite of his private struggles, his childhood hurts, and his family relations, she decided to take this ride with Samuel.

She never defined him simply by his past experiences, but tried to see him through the eyes of his dreams and future desires for himself. She, therefore, saw Samuel through his faith and his dreams, which made him larger than life to her and she was ready to see the world with him.

Silvie learned it doesn’t matter how someone else sees you; it matters how you see yourself. Samuel’s addiction problems seemed small in the beginning compared to the monster they became.

Samuel told Silvie, while he was away at college, God had completely healed him. She believed him because she knew, without a doubt, that God could HEAL anything. She lost all resistance to marrying him.

Samuel’s private struggles were somewhat threatening, and it made her afraid to commit to him in marriage, but he assured her he was healed.

Silvie had no clue of the potential magnitude of Samuel’s problem, if he was NOT, indeed, healed like he said, and neither did Samuel.

He not only told her, but he also told his brother, and sister-in-law that God had healed him too. Together, they all praised God, thanked Him, and believed Samuel was healed.

Samuel was so happy and Silvie was happy for him. She had NO reason “not” to believe Samuel’s PAST was exactly that: his PAST.

While back, from school, he visited Silvie’s new apartment and they spent hours talking and bonding again. She could get so lost in Samuel’s world. When he left at two o’clock in the morning after one of their many talks and bonding sessions, he asked her to marry him again and, this time, she gave him a resounding YES!!!

What Silvie knew for sure was that despite all his issues, she loved Samuel. She loved his heart. She loved his promises. She loved his dreams. She loved who she was with him. She loved the potential of innovation and adventure with him. Most importantly, she loved his soul and she cherished their friendship.

Even though their friendship became compromised, broken, damaged, and challenged over the years, her love, empowered by the indwelling Holy Spirit, NEVER DID.

Samuel had a problem loving himself and thought she had a problem too simply because she loved him. He once told her she must be “hard up” to love somebody like him. His perception of himself impacted what he thought her perception of him was too.

Eventually, she couldn’t truly enjoy loving him, giving him love, showing him love, or expressing love to him because of his personal issues. After he asked her to marry, they both cried; they knew it was a date with destiny, but a destiny never of them could have ever imagined.

For Silvie, the tears came because her spirit knew marrying Samuel was God’s will and it felt as if she was in the right place, at the right time, in the right moment, and on the right path.

It was as if something profound had happened in the supernatural world and she and Samuel were a major part of it.

The thing about a marriage ordained by God is that it is opened to experiences that make “happily ever after” look a lot different than that of fairy tales.

When Silvie married Samuel, who knew it would reflect Hosea’s marriage to Gomez. The bible says better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof. Silvie and Samuel’s beginning was innocent, surprising, and questionable. “Did they really hear God?” “Was this really God’s will?” “Are you really supposed to have these kinds of problems?” “We don’t have as much in common as we thought?” “I didn’t know Samuel was like THAT”

Who knew these kind of ponderings would happen as they planned their wedding for the June of 1979. When you decide to marry someone the one focus is that you believe you want to spend the rest of your life with the person, no matter what.

Silvie wanted Samuel and she wanted to spend the rest of her life talking to him, having adventures with him, dreaming with him, serving God with him, and simply loving him.

It’s so uncomplicated in the beginning and when your initial desires, for the other person, is challenged in the most mind-blowing way, it catches you off guard.

The year of their engagement was magical, even though he was away in college finishing his Masters. They managed, with the help of family and friends, to pull off a magnificent wedding.

They had a southern belle theme; she wanted pastel yellow, but Samuel wanted pastel green. They did both. The groomsmen’s tux were brown and taupe western style while the bridesmaids were yellow and green southern belle attire. It was beautiful.

There was music, words of encouragement, vows, and other traditions, but it wasn’t boring. Samuel sung the most beautiful and romantic solo to her right before they were pronounced man and wife.

Silvie had begged him to tell her what he was going to sing, but he wouldn’t and she couldn’t believe he hadn’t written it; it was so appropriate for them.

They were young and in love and sincere, but who knew what the future would hold. Saying “I do,” becoming his wife, walking down the aisle as his bride, standing in the receiving, throwing the bouquet, getting in the limo to go to the reception, sitting at the bridal table, removing the garter, and having the first dance is all so emotionally intoxicating.

Samuel was a good-looking guy and she had never seem such a perfect corpulent afro in her life. His eyes were happy, bright, and a lovely brown every time they looked at each and playfully flirted in their secret, private way.

Silvie had married her friend and her soulmate. She knew Samuel from the heart and together they had bore their souls to one another. How many nights had they talked for hours about the future, the past, their emotions, their fears, their pains, their unmentionable experiences, their faults, their virtues, and their dysfunctions.

It’s funny how in the beginning of a relationship you tend to focus on what’s virtuous about a person, but as time goes on you focus on their flaws. All through the wedding, the honeymoon, and the first year of marriage Samuel had no flaws worth fussing about.

June 2016 (present)

They were both 21 years when they said “I do” in 1979 and 35 years later they signed divorce papers. Silvie never agreed to the divorce, but she conceded to it.

Samuel had “human will” and he was choosing a life without her, and she respected his right to do it, even if it didn’t include her.

It was a painful experience and God helped her process through it. What she didn’t do is internalize the experience by blaming herself for his treatment of her.

What Silvie, as an older woman, now knew is that it doesn’t matter how NICE you are, it doesn’t matter if you’re a sexual EXPERT in the bedroom, it does “not” matter how FINE you are either, and it doesn’t matter how good your portfolio is, but what DOES matter is whether that person, willingly, without any INFLUENCE or manipulation ON YOUR PART, CHOOSES you or not.

Your niceness, portfolio, sexual prowess, or looks are ALL benefits, by-products, extensions, or personal possessions of a person, but these things are NOT “who” they are.

All those things are EXTRAS and ADDITIONS to WHO that person really is within their hearts. Silvie had learned in bible study that God, who is love, CHOOSES, each of his people, on purpose, and that’s how the loving, covenant relationship begins.

So when it comes to our own human relationships, choosing one another, is where it has to begin with us too. As a result of God, choosing his people, they are privy to ALL his stuff such as blessings, gifts, and riches.

So if a person BREAKS off the relationship with you and BLAMES it on your STUFF they weren’t CHOOSING “you” anyway. Because choosing YOU has “nothing” to do with your STUFF, but your SOUL.

Thus, Samuel had not chosen HER. When you choose someone, on purpose, you do it despite the presence or absence of their STUFF.

What gave her JOY and empowered her to MOVE FORWARD with or without Samuel was that she was” still” Silvie. Even though Samuel had chosen her she still had ALL her STUFF, inside her. She was still intact, she liked herself, she liked who’d she become, she was unchanged, and thus, she was NOT impacted by Samuel’s choice.

That truth gave her incredible happiness and she became more productive than she’d been in years!

Silvie said a closing prayer, turned off her laptop, shut her bible, and began to dress for the opening service for the conference. The theme is what attracted her to the conference. They wanted the views from women who’d dealt with the issue before the information age.

Silvie had written many books, counseled many people, and had many conversations, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to discuss her own truth about the vast subject yet, but she’d come to find out.

If she was ready, she would have admit the WHOLE TRUTH about Samuel’s sexual addiction and some part of that truth was still embarrassing to her. What was the embarrassing part? Maybe it was embarrassing that she’d believed he was healed, discovered he wasn’t, stayed with him anyway, and gave him 35 years of her life.

CHAPTER 7

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

“…The flesh (ethical behavior) profiteth nothing…” (John 6:63 KJV).

CHAPTER 8

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

TITLE HERE

“...Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life...” (Proverbs 31:10-12 KJV).

Virtuous Ruth Valor now Virtuous Ruth Warm got up around 5am to study and have a quiet time with God every morning like clockwork.

CHAPTER 9

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

TITLE HERE

“…There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of DEATH...” (Proverbs 14:20 KJV).

David Anderson drove up and down Broad Street wondering, like always, should he pick someone up or not. He told himself a thousand he should stop and years have passed since that first promise. He was still cruising.

CHAPTER 10

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

TITLE HERE

“...God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, …” (1 Samuel 16:7 NASB).

Virtuous still had lipstick on from the night before. She and Issachar had celebrated their 20^th anniversary. Where had the time gone, Faith was 15, Hope was 14, the twins, Joshua and Joseph were 13.

CHAPTER 11

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

TITLE HERE

“THE ISSACHAR SPIRIT”

“...Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens: And he saw that rest was good, and the land that it was pleasant; and bowed his shoulder to bear, and became a servant unto tribute...” (Genesis 49:14-15 KJV).

Virtuous sat speechless in the family den watching the credits. She had the house to herself. Instead of reading her latest novel she watched a video of Issachar’s grandfather, Luke Isaac Warm, whom Izzy called Poppy, preaching. The Pastor of Son City Ministries found the video in the archives, at the church, and gave it to her.

CHAPTER 12

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW:

TITLE HERE

God “…be sure your sin will find you out.…” (Numbers 32:23 KJV). “...you can be sure that your sin will track you down...” (Number 32:23 MSG).

It had taken two years, but she had finally discovered the truth. She followed him to Broad Street one night, parked as he drove up and down the street, saw him pick up the young prostitute, and watched them go into Broadway Inn motel together.

CHAPTER 8

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

TITLE HERE

“...if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing (apart from his Spirit, you can do nothing)....” (1 Corinthians 13:1-5 NASB). “...apart from [GOD] nothing came into being that has come into being … (John 1:1-4 NASB). “... APART FROM [God]... you can do nothing …” (John 15:1-11 NASB).

Issachar worked tirelessly on Sunday’s sermon. Pastor had asked him to bring the message. He felt he had developed a good creative sermon, but he

CHAPTER 13

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW:

TITLE HERE

“…They kept ...following the stubborn desires of their evil hearts…” (Jeremiah 7:24 NLT). “We will continue ...to, stubbornly following our own evil desires” (JEREMIAH 18:12 NLT). “...Jesus saith…I am THE WAY…” (John 14:6 KJV). “…There is SALVATION IN NO ONE ELSE…” (Acts 4:12).

Issachar wasn’t much of a soul searcher, but for the first time, that he could remember, he felt “real” fear.

CHAPTER 14

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW:

TITLE HERE

God “….is ... NOT WILLING that any should perish, but that ALL should come to repentance…” (2 Peter 3:9 KJV). However, “…EXCEPT YE REPENT, ye shall all likewise PERISH…” (Luke 13:3 KJV).

Virtuous couldn’t believe Issachar’s recovery. He was doing great and would be home in a few days. He’d been in rehab for months doing physical, occupational, and speech therapy.

CHAPTER 15

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW:

TITLE HERE

“….God …now commandeth all men every where to REPENT…” (Acts 17:30 KJV). "…REPENT AND RETURN, “SO” that your sins may be wiped away…” (Acts 3:19 NASB). “… [I]…kept declaring ….that they should REPENT and TURN TO God…” (Acts 26: 20 NASB). “…EXCEPT YE REPENT, ye shall all likewise PERISH…” (Luke 13:3 KJV).

Issachar opened his bible to Luke chapter 16 and read the passage for

CHAPTER 16

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

TITLE HERE

“... God said to Moses, “I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose.” So it is God who decides to show mercy. We can neither choose it nor work for it...” (Romans 9:14-16 NLT). “...HE DELIGHTETH IN MERCY…” (Micah 7:18 KJV). God is“... RICH IN MERCY…” (Ephesians 2:1-5 KJV). (Isaiah 63:9 NASB). “…Mercy triumphs over judgement.” (James 2:13 NASB).

Issachar hadn’t preached or taught anything since last year it was almost April and they wanted him to bring the Easter message. He’d been keeping a journal, which he started in REHAB. What should he preach about?

CHAPTER 17

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW:

TITLE HERE

“…And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.…” (John 3:16 KJV). *

Issachar and Virtuous returned home from taking their second Covid-19 shots. Issachar went up to his study to work on his live-stream bible study for later that evening.

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BEFORE THE DOWN LOW

BEFORE THE DOWN LOW: SILVIA MATHIVA-ANDERSON

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